Reflections on my Journey: From “Rescuer” to “Beloved”
By Dierdre
Dierdre was a member of our first 2HC cohort. She shares honestly from her own journey and how she is redefining success.
I’ve always loved solving problems. There is nothing more satisfying to me than feeling prepared, capable, and ready to fix any situation that might arise. I also love the idea that I can change the world, that I can accomplish great things for humanity. The good feelings that come from “rescuing” somebody are addicting. It’s great to achieve on behalf of others, but if I can fix things and be efficient while doing so, that’s even better! My ultimate “high” is making a difference in the world, efficiently.
It sounds ridiculous and even funny, as I look at what I’ve just written on this page. But I now realize that this is dangerous ground. There is a very real temptation to define myself as “the rescuer.” Without even realizing it, I have been finding my identity, as well as my satisfaction, primarily as a competent person who helps others, whom others look to for solutions, who is “successful” at whatever needs doing. Which means, of course, that when I am not doing those things, who am I?
As believers, we know that we are children of God. We know that God loves us. We try to do His will and we try to please Him. And yet we hear these competing voices in our heads, telling us that we are more valued if we achieve. Or more loved if we are popular, respected, “successful.” These voices are so insistent and pervasive that we don’t realize how much we are actually listening to them.
“These voices are so insistent and pervasive that we don’t realize how much we are actually listening to them. ”
I’m a Third Culture Kid who spent my entire childhood traveling the world and living in cross-cultural contexts. After high school, I spent six years in the US and received a bachelor’s degree and found my husband! Then, I moved back overseas as a full-time missionary. Missionary kid, nurse, wife, mother and homeschooling teacher, missionary, language learner, teammate … all of these roles have brought me great joy and made for a fascinating life. But I also set high expectations for myself in each of these roles, striving to meet the standard that I desired for myself. In addition to the expectations that I myself set, I have felt the burden placed upon me by being the “rich” foreigner in a poor land. Living in a poverty context means living from one tragedy to another, many of which I am unable to prevent or repair or even to speak into.
As an achiever and rescuer, all my life I’ve been going from list to list, happy when I could check off an item on the list (which meant that I had done what I had set out to do) and lamenting those things which didn’t yet deserve a check mark. (Often those “things” were people, which explains why full-time ministry in a cross-cultural context and homeschooling my four children has been such an identity crisis!).
But now I have a new list, which is really a series of questions that invite me into a renewed encounter with God daily. I am learning to redefine myself, and in the process, I’m also revising what makes me feel satisfied.
Here’s my new “checklist” for success:
Did I tell God that I love him today?
Did I listen to God, allowing him to tell me that He loves me too?
Did I acknowledge that God also loves and accepts the people in front of me today, no matter what they do or don’t do?
Did I sense the presence of God today?
In Genesis 15 God tells Abraham that He, God, is Abraham’s great reward. God Himself — not all the promises given — is the ultimate goal. So my new prayer for myself is that I would find contentment and joy simply in my relationship with the Triune God who delights in me. If I “achieve” anything for the kingdom of God, may it be a simple byproduct, a collateral outflowing, of my identity as the loved one of my Father in heaven. May the “fruit” of ministry never be the end goal.
When I think about who I am and who I am becoming, I realize that I’m being set free from the compulsion of “doing” and released to the joy of just “being.” I long for my character to grow in awareness of God’s presence and love, and thus to grow in self-awareness, confident in my identity as “beloved.” I want to live in daily recognition that I can trust the One who is in control of today, the One who will achieve and solve and rescue (and has already done so!). May I be able to say what George MacDonald said, “I am content to be and have what in Thy heart I am meant to be and have.”
