Reflections on Identity and Gratitude 7 Years Later
“When people ask us what are the main challenges that many TCKs [third culture kids] and ATCKs [adult third culture kids] face despite the obvious richness and gifts of a global childhood, we reply, ‘Finding a sense of personal and cultural identity and dealing with unresolved grief. For our purposes we define unresolved grief as grief that comes from recognized and unrecognized losses, but one that has never been mourned in a healing way” (David C. Pollock, Ruth Van Reken, and Michael V. Pollock)[1]
I’m one of those adult TCKs! I was born in Indonesia of U.S. parents and reared in Indonesia and Malaysia until I was 18 years old. Periodically, I have revisited typical TCK questions like, “Who am I? Where is home? Where do I belong?”
My cross-cultural life continued into my adult years. After college, marriage, and graduate school in the U.S., I returned to Indonesia. For 26 years my wife and I lived and worked there. At times I still wrestled with earlier TCK questions of identity and belonging. But I also became aware of other questions around identity that uncovered deeper longings to receive and extend love in God-imprinted ways that are authentic and lasting.
In 2016 my wife and I moved to the U.S. In the past few years, I’ve been both a facilitator and an ongoing learner in 2HC. At 2HC we know that providing unhurried space and time to address questions of identity and belonging are vital to 2nd half of life flourishing and fruitfulness. So, in October of this year I journeyed to the city of Bandung, Indonesia. It was my first time back after more than seven years. I was born in Bandung, and it also was the city that my wife and I called “home” for 26 years. I hoped that my journey would yield fresh encounters with God and with others around themes of identity and gratitude. I was not disappointed. Below are some reflections from this journey.
With friends on a nostalgic city tour
UNHURRY. I contacted only a few friends and former colleagues before the trip, and I did not set up any formal ministry. There were two reasons for this. First, I wanted reconnecting with friends and colleagues to happen naturally and organically, with plenty of time for long, unhurried conversations. Second, I wanted to leave time in my schedule to reflect and journal in an unhurried way. I told friends this as I met with them. Telling them this was also a significant way to model unhurry and compassion, both toward myself and toward those with whom I spent time. One person with whom I shared about four hours of conversation texted me later that evening, "Thank you again for taking the time to invest in me. Our chat today feels monumental for me."
DEEP THANKFULNESS. As I met with Indonesian friends, I really wanted to convey a deep thankfulness from an honest, transparent heart. I shared, "I have come here to Bandung to reconnect with friends and places. I have been gone for over 7 years. Of course, the pandemic kept me from visiting sooner, but so did a barrier in my heart: I was not ready to face my sadness over the loss of Bandung. But last year, I realized I was ready to visit Bandung again. As I reflect, I realize that I am so grateful for this place that 'grew me up.' And of course, the people in Bandung were part of that process. You too were part of that! So … thank you so much for helping to grow me up!"
Unofficial traffic “cop”
A SIGNIFICANT REALIZATION. On Day 3 of my 12 days in Bandung, I was reflecting on the previous day's conversations and activities in that busy and crowded city. It felt like any desire to live there again in Bandung was being lifted. In fact, as I reflected, I wrote in my journal, "This morning I actually thought, 'I am an [US] American, not an Indonesian.' I shared this with Cindy just 30 minutes ago on a WhatsApp call. I realize that being content in my identity as an American allows me to be fully present wherever I am, including when I am here in Indonesia. I don't feel 'in-between worlds.' This seems like a significant realization."
DISCOMFORT. As I was in Bandung, I started to feel distinctly uncomfortable with my former “big man on campus” (i.e., prominent) status. I realized that in Indonesia I am noticed. I am complimented for my language fluency, both in the national language and the regional language of West Java. With my access to resources and to the buying power of the US dollar, I have the money to go to nice restaurants or regularly order taxis. I also was a senior leader in our organization when I was in Indonesia. I wrote in my journal, "Lord, how can I remain in a position of humility, lowliness ... of not [necessarily] relying on status, resources, education and relational connections?"
INTERIOR FREEDOM. God has opened the door to an interior freedom and contentment that will root me no matter where I am. Indonesia will always be special to me, and I know that I will visit there again. But where I am now – in each moment of my life, with each person I encounter – is also special to me. God invites me to come “home” to that place every day.
[1] In Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds. Boston: Nicholas Brealey Publishing, 3rd edition, 2017, p. 81.