What is mutuality—and why is it so valuable in the 2nd half of life?
I remember an early meet-up with leaders in South Asia about a decade ago. We were talking about what was expected of leaders, skills they needed, assumptions we make about them. We made a list of what would be important traits for a “leader.” After we brainstormed, someone made the insightful comment that this was like being a comic book Avenger (you know Ironman, Hulk, Wonder Woman), but then we deepened it, realizing that this leadership list was like trying to be all the Avengers in one person.
What internal script causes us to pedestal leaders into being, “all the Avengers in one,” or expect it of ourselves?
Mutuality is a sort of antidote for this “all the Avengers in one mindset.” Mutuality is a very important word that isn’t widely used, but has immense value here. Mutuality is shared values, shared space, shared future. Mutuality in relationships is characterized by curiosity and growing together on a shared trajectory. In fact, it’s getting a Ph.D. in that person, not just because you care, but because you need to support them, and they need to support you. It means co-learning, co-creating, co-responsibility-ing (yes, I just made that word up). We talk about peer-to-peer a lot, but mutuality is a word that unpacks all that we always wanted to be true in peer-to-peer, but is rarely there. Mutuality is availability and engagement. Mutuality is expensive: it costs time, energy, and even money.
Mutuality is also characterized by both parties benefitting. So if you are always “pouring into” someone, and they never reciprocate – that’s ok, we can still mentor, or encourage, or support others as we enter our second half of course, but mutuality is mutually beneficial. When I coach folks, I often ask them, “how many mutually beneficial relationships do you have?” Sometimes I call them MBRs. A person with very few or no MBRs is someone giving out constantly to others, and yet they get little back. It’s fine to be teaching, training, developing others, but especially as you enter the second half of life—who are your peers, those you respect, value and co-create with—and neither one of you is the benefactor, or the one deferred to? With whom do you share the grace of submitting to each other out of brotherly and sisterly love? Mutuality with others is a key ingredient of second half collaborations. Earlier in your life you had mentors, coaches, teachers, or leaders who invested in you, developed you. You still need those people, but there may be limitations to collaborating with those mentor types unless you reframe the relationship toward mutuality.
What small step might you take to shift an existing relationship to holding more mutuality?