Two men share about their spiritual friendship groups
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Over the course of each year’s cohort journey, our 2HC team sponsors a number of informal virtual “2HC Cafe” gatherings. We choose various discussion topics that are near to the heart of cross-cultural mission workers wrestling with “2nd half of life” questions and concerns. Among these concerns is the express need for vibrant, safe, and supportive friendships. In January of 2024, two 2HC facilitators (Ed and Andrew) shared about their spiritual friendship groups. They talked about what these friendships with other men have meant for them, giving practical suggestions as well for starting and maintaining spiritual friendship groups. We have highlighted below some of what they shared.
Burning hearts, open minds
Ed opened our 2HC cafe by reading Luke 24:13-15, “Were not our hearts burning within us while he talked with us on the road and opened the Scriptures to us?”
“This encounter between Jesus and the disciples on the road to Emmaus” said Ed, “is the same experience I take with me after each interaction with my two spiritual friends. Each time we meet we know that Jesus has been with us, his Spirit accompanying us on our journey together as soul friends.”
Alhtough we did not follow a Q&A format during the 2HC Cafe, for ease of presentation here, we’ve shared from the presentation and from Ed’s and Andrew’s notes as if they were responding to key questions. Ed shares first.
What is your definition or description of spiritual friendship?
“First, spiritual friendship is learning to see the worth God has placed in each person and appreciating the gifts individuals have to offer.
“Second, spiritual friendship is different from mentoring. There isn’t any kind of hierarchy in a spiritual friendship—it’s not one person as the ‘expert’ and the other as the ‘learner.’ There is mutual giving and receiving. We walk side by side through different seasons of life. In this way we experience the truth of Romans 12:10, that we are to ‘outdo one another in showing honor.’”
How did you and your two friends meet and how often do you meet?
“We started our spiritual friendship group over five years ago after going through a six month Ignatian Adventure together at a local church. This experience is designed as a set of prayer and meditations to draw people into a deeper encounter with God in the midst of our busy lives.
We meet almost monthly, with some exceptions for vacations, for 1 and a half hours.
The day or two before we meet, we each take about 15-30 mins to reflect on the past month by reviewing our journal entries, and then we write down a short outline of what we’d like to share. We are prayerful about what to share because we want to be real with each other, so there is always a combination of consolation and desolation that is shared.”
What does a typical time of sharing look like for you?
“While we have an outline, we bring our journals, open them up, and share for 20 minutes with each other. I won’t speak for them, but I share my deep sorrows, my joys, as well as the things that are driving me crazy.
We alternate our roles during each sharing time: speaker, listener, observer.”
The flow is as follows:
“Each person has 20 minutes to share the joys, pains, sorrows, highs / lows, whatever(!), directed to the ‘listener.’ What we talk about is often items of consolation and desolation, areas where God is working in our lives, such as an upcoming transition — a huge theme for me this year —quotes that are meaningful, scripture verses, etc.
The third person, the observer, ‘holds’ the person sharing in prayer, being hospitable also to listen, jotting down things that are shared and prepared to ask a clarification question.
For example, when we meet next week I’ll share with ‘George,’ while ‘Joe’ just observes. Next, George shares with Joe and I observe, and then Joe with me while George observes.
After one person shares for 20 mins we have 10 minutes for reflection as a small community. We ask clarifying questions, we encourage each other, we ask each other where we’ve sensed God’s presence in a particular story / testimony, or where we’ve encountered God. It’s always an incredible blessing.”
Are there guidelines that you can share with those who might want to form a spiritual friendship group?
It’s very important to create a safe and sacred space where we can speak about our joys and sorrows. We do this by
- keeping our relationships and our communication confidential
- being fully present to one another, listening deeply, actively and compassionately
- honoring each other’s religious and spiritual traditions while also sharing ideas for books, exercises, blogs, etc, if asked for it
- not trying to fix or advise, but offering encouragement (this was especially needed when one of the men in my group went through a disruptive job change)It’s also vital to affirm the beauty of each person’s heart and spirit and to welcome the beauty of encounter with God. There have been times when my sharing is dry or rushed (because of hurry). I can admit to these brothers both the closeness and distance I’ve felt toward God in a given month – it’s so precious.”
Any closing comments or suggestions?
“I love this verse from Job 16:20-21, ‘My intercessor is my friend as my eyes pour out tears to God; on behalf of a person he pleads with God as one pleads for a friend.’
I guess I will close by asking the readers:
- Who has been a spiritual friend to you?
- What barriers do you face to building rich spiritual friendships?
- What are you currently wrestling with that would benefit from the friendship of others?
- Who in your life can you reach out to and co-labor, co-collaborate with?”
Andrew shared briefly from his experience with a spiritual friendship group. He included helpful guidelines that have shaped the way that his spiritual friendship group share with each other.
“I started a spiritual friendship group with two other men involved in ministry in my area after being inspired by Ed's example. We meet together once per month for two hours. The element of the group that is particularly special for me is connected with the reason I was compelled to start the group in the first place. I was privileged to have lots and lots of online relationships marked by deep life sharing, vulnerability, and shared contemplative practice, but I was eager to have more face-to-face relationships marked by the same. Meeting with these friends face-to-face on a monthly basis has scratched that itch in a meaningful way.
Below is a handout I put together for our group.”
Spiritual Friendship Group Guidelines
“In America, everyone is friendly, but I have no friend to share my heart with.”
Anonymous Czech immigrant to the United States, quoted in Mary Forman,
Praying with the Desert Mothers
“Being heard is so close to being loved that for most people, they are virtually indistinguishable.”
David Augsburger, Caring Enough to Hear and Be Heard
Three roles we will alternate between today:
Sharer
Holy Listener
Compassionate Presence-er
When in the Role of Sharer
Key word: Thicken
Emotional experience: What emotions did you experience?
Somatic experience: What did you experience in your body?
Rational experience: What thought patterns kicked into gear or emerged?
Habituated experience: What got triggered in you and what behaviors responses did it elicit?
When in the role of Holy Listener
Key word: Bracket
Autobiographical Listening: Oh, that reminds me of me! Our most fascinating subject is ourselves.
Interior Migration: Noticing those times we’ve “gone somewhere else” interiorly.
Categorizing, Analyzing, Judging: We find ourselves dissecting or fitting their story into our frames of reference.
Emotional Triggering: Something is said that triggers an inordinately large response in us, frequently making us feel defensive or agitated.
Responses
Three types of responses are most encouraged:
Evocative Questions: Usually open-ended questions that invite further exploration.
Observations: Usually about the other person. “When you said such-and-such, you seemed to really light up or really tense up. Did I detect a sigh when you touched on this subject? Etc.”
Reflecting Back: Try using the starting point, “Am I hearing you say that…?” Then summarize what you heard and let the sharer say yes or no and go from there.
Three types of responses we’d like to avoid for the most part:
Making their story about you: “I’ve been through something similar.”
Explaining their story to them: “I think what’s going on there is…”
Advice: “I’ve got an idea for you” or “Have you ever thought about…?”
